Studio Phoenix - Blog

When Mother's Day Doesn't Look Like the Commercials

5/7/2021

Hi Phoenixes! Mother's Day is on Sunday, and for some people that is a beautiful day spent with loved ones, opening gifts, celebrating the women in our lives. For others it's a bittersweet day. Maybe you lost your mom like I did a couple of years ago. Maybe you have an estranged relationship with a mother or a child. Maybe you have children in heaven or deal with infertility.

I know for so many years Mother's Day was an incredibly painful day for me, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. And while I was lucky enough to be blessed with two beautiful daughters, motherhood is often full of complex emotions. For many moms, this has been an even harder year because we’ve been working from home, helping our kids with remote learning, and trying to keep everyone from going stir-crazy.

So know that if your Mother's Day doesn't look like the Hallmark holiday commercials that we see, or like all the other ones you see in your social media newsfeed... that's okay. Spend this day however you need to. Whether that's Netflixing with a mimosa in hand, joining your family at a church celebration, spending a lazy day snuggled up with loved ones, or ignoring it entirely. I encourage you to spend a few moments thinking about what would feel nourishing to your soul this Mother’s Day. If you could spend the day in the way that would make you feel most supported, what would that look like? And how can you make it happen? I’m not saying to ignore the needs of your relatives, but make sure you’re carving out time for your self-care, too.

I’m also a big fan of using Mother’s Day to celebrate the women in my life that I appreciate. Because Mother’s Day can be about so much more than literal moms. Find people who nurtured you, and took on a maternal role in your life (regardless of gender), and thank them. If you want to give this a more charitable focus, find someone you can mentor, and offer them a helping hand. Show the love you want to see more of. After all, we rise by lifting others.

If you’re familiar with the app Reddit, one of my favorite sub-Reddits is called “Mom for a Minute.” People volunteer their time to respond to anonymous strangers’ posts. Whether they don’t have a mom at home, or don’t have one they can connect with, this offers people a safe space to bare their souls. We’ve been there for posts as simple as “how do I hard-boil an egg” and as complex as “I’m ready to come out.” Each one is met with warmth, acceptance, and unconditional love.

And unconditional love is something we all need a bit more of. So if you’ve had a rough year and need a virtual mom hug... reach out and I will be that person for you. Have a wonderful weekend!

Why That "Flaw" May Be Your Superpower

5/5/2021

The following is a transcript from my podcast interview with Nathan Blair, founder of a coach training school, body-oriented coach and coach supervisor.
What if that trait you’ve been told is a flaw is actually your greatest SuperPower? Learn how Nathan Blair uses his unique giftings as strengths in his career, and how you can use mindfulness to experience your world in a more powerful way.

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Jenni
Hey friends, welcome to Ashes to Wings. Today we'll be talking with Nathan Blair, who is the founder of The Somatic School, helping practitioners develop the skills they need to work with the body's intelligence, online and in person. He is mad about the body and the embodied wisdom available to us at all times when we take time to listen. So Nathan thank you for joining us today.

Nathan
Thank you for having me, Jenni, it's a pleasure to be here.

Jenni
So Nathan, most of our listeners have no idea what a Somatic school is. Explain Somatics for us.

Nathan
A lot of people are familiar with that concept of Mind Body Spirit. So you could say it's the idea of that unity of body-mind. I talk a lot about the body-mind as one word, and that's the sort of attitude that somatic psychologists would come with. Soma is actually ancient Greek word that means the body in its full aliveness, not just the skin and bones but an inspirited body. And the opposite of that would be necros. So, a body without spirit. So it's not just our physical being, but what it is to be an embodied being... alive and living as a body.

Jenni
So seeing ourselves as more of a whole person instead of in fragments, so to speak?

Nathan
That's right, an integrated whole. Exactly.

Jenni
So what kind of changes have you seen Somatics make in people's lives?

Nathan
Hmm, so I always say that somatics is a beautiful intersection between science and spirituality, it sort of sits right at the heart of that. We live in a world that in many ways is disconnected from self, from others, from the environment. So Somatics offers, I suppose, a journey of reconnection. Like I said, that sort of intersection of the two. It also introduces a sort of connecting up of two worlds that might otherwise be siloed or separated schools of thought as well. So there's a kind of coming together and East meets West as well. Somatics offers a reconnecting in all ways. I haven't really answered your question exactly...

Jenni
[laughs] I was going to say I like that you say that East meets West... they're not mutually exclusive, but you actually work with both together, Eastern and Western mindsets.

Nathan
Absolutely yes. So Somatics, in practice, the application, in a sense, is sort of the practical application of what the wisdom traditions of the East have been talking about for thousands of years. Nothing new in that sense. But it's also supported by the latest research in sciences such as embodied cognition or interpersonal neurobiology, that one's a bit of a mouthful, really revealing just how central, our bodies are to our intelligence. So yeah, East meets West, old and new.

Jenni
Can you break down interpersonal neurobi... Yeah, I can't even say it [laughs] neurobiology for us?

Nathan
For sure. So interpersonal neurobiology is a fascinating emerging field of scientific research and study. It's an interdisciplinary field that actually brings together over 40 different disciplines, ranging from anthropology, sociology, biology, psychology, and the likes. And so there's so many different (what would formerly be quite separate in their own sort of studies and research) coming together looking at where the findings... the word they use is coalesce. In other words, where does what they're discovering show patterns or meet or complement one another? And what that's giving us is a more integrated picture. I'm using that word again - integration - which we're probably going to talk about a lot... I imagine that will come up a lot. But it's like a more integrated picture of the human being. You know, one of the fascinating things I think that it includes as well, is the importance of relationship. So we are social animals, and how our relationships shape our brains, our whole way of being,our body-mind as well.

Jenni
So I'd imagine this last year, with everybody in quarantine and having limited social interactions, except for online like we are now, I'd imagine that that really affects social interactions and the way that we're behaving... the way that we're interacting with each other?

Nathan
Yeah, absolutely. This is an extraordinary time, right? What's interesting about a global pandemic is it sort of reveals, in a kind of quite an incredible and controversial but incredible metaphor for the interconnected nature of our species, a whole planet, become infected by this virus. And that's passed on, you know, through interaction and through us coming into contact with one another. And then, as a result we then become distanced from whatever but isolated. So it's interesting... on the one hand it's sort of revealed how interconnected we are, and at the same time it's sort of resulted in a lot of disconnection.

Jenni
Fascinating. So how did you get into Somatics? What led you to it?

Nathan
It's interesting, as a child I was very sensitive... often be described as sensitive. As a young child I actually saw that as not a good thing. It didn't feel like something to aspire to... it didn't feel like something that, you know...

That sensitivity felt like it was explained a little bit when I got a diagnosis of having ADHD. For me, I was actually taking... I took medication for ADHD... Ritalin is the most commonly known. And up until my early to mid 20s. But around that time I began to look for more natural treatments, you could say, for like the ADHD symptoms. And one of those natural methods was mindfulness and connecting to the environment through my senses. It was sort of... was a bit of a game changer. We can talk more about this later if it comes up, but it actually is supported a lot by our most, sort of, recent understandings of the way the nervous system operates, and they call it orientation, for example, ina lot of methodologies. So I began to, I guess, self-regulate. The symptoms began to subside, I was empowered through natural means to manage the symptoms. Fast forward... when I discovered the field of Somatics, it just spoke to what I intuitively felt to be interesting to me about how we are, and how we could be. So Somatics was like opening Pandora's box in the best way, the breadth and depth for this field is staggering. But within that is just a real goodie bag, of things to explore for those who are interested in the body.

Jenni
So what difference did mindfulness make in your personal health?

Nathan
You know, I had a very busy mind... who doesn't, you might say? But it was a bit like Trafalgar Square or Times Square in my mind. Even when I was out and about, it's like, there'd be no hierarchy of sensory input. It just all kind of came at once, or so it seemed at the time. So one of the things I remember vividly being actually on a surf trip with some friends in Morocco, and just sitting in the water, sitting on a surfboard. And I'd just been reading a book called The Mindfulness Prescription for ADHD, and it was talking all about connecting through our senses to the environment... to the here and now... the present moment. And I remember I was worried about something and it was going around in my mind in a bit of like an obsessive loop. And I was sat out in the middle of the ocean on a surfboard, but just in that moment I remembered, you know, what I'd been reading. And I brought my awareness, very mindfully, to my experience in that present moment through my senses. I felt the water kind of lapping against my fingers, as I trailed it through the ocean. And I listened to the bird songs, felt the breeze on my face, like watch the sun kind of going down. And it just settle me and centered me and just completely... I was just there in that moment. And I was still quite young at that point and it was a bit of a paradigm shift for me, I think. Because I didn't have to do a lot to manage... improve my situation. I actually did a lot less. And the results were great. So...

Jenni
More being, less doing...

Nathan
More being, less doing. Yeah, absolutely.

Jenni
So, I know you mentioned that you were called sensitive or considered sensitive as a child. And there's such a stigma against men being sensitive (which is ridiculous in my mind). But what was the hardest part about being a man who's sensitive?

Nathan
That's a great question. Ironically, I think the hardest part about being a man who's sensitive is not so much how people respond to my sensitivity, but all of the ideas I had about that, and how much of myself I hid as a result... or would stifle, or limit, or suppress. You know? And you can't numb selectively. When I withdraw, when I hold back, when I hesitate, and when I don't speak out, it's sort of like cutting off part of myself and my whole self isn't showing up. So I'd say that was probably the hardest part is just never really feeling seen. You know?

Jenni
Hmm. That breaks my heart, a little bit. I'm glad that you feel comfortable to be your true self now, and that the society as a whole, there's so much less stigma around that now than there was even when we were younger. I think in this last year or two, there's been more awareness around our need for self-care, sensitivity, mindfulness, I mean, it's a heck of a way to have to earn it, but... [laughs] I'm glad that there's more focus on that in this last year.

Nathan
Yeah. Yeah, totally. I remember being in a coaching session once actually... a neighbor of mine learned to coach. Funny enough, it's sort of what inspired me to get into coaching in some ways. But I was receiving some coaching sessions with him, and I began to cry in one of the sessions. And I don't know what I said, but his response... (he was an actor as well). And his response was like, "being a man, connecting with your emotions is essentially your greatest strength." Again, like it was another sort of paradigm shift. Saying, "What? Strength?" I couldn't... I think I had to mature a bit, grow up a bit to realize how that was the case, perhaps. But the same was true for the sensitivity, particularly in somatic work. If you're somebody who's highly sensitive (notice that phrase highly sensitive people), if you identify as someone who's sensitive, or you feel particularly sensitive... you're somebody who picks up on facial expressions, or tone of voice, or a deep breath, or things like that in others, particularly, you have deep empathy. That in somatic work is... you know, you've got a good head start to being a competent practitioner in that work. That flipped it on its head. Finding this work, not only did I get to embrace the sensitivity but actually I got to lead with that. And yeah, we live in a world that's definitely more accepting of that now. Although it's still the case that men don't really know exactly what it means to be a man right now. How to behave, post "me too" and that sort of thing. It is still an interesting time for guys.

Jenni
Definitely. I love what you said there... something that you've been told, maybe your whole life as a flaw is now your greatest superpower as a somatic coach. That's what makes you good at what you do. And I think that's such a beautiful message for people that maybe have been struggling with something that they see as a flaw. or they've been told their whole life this is a flaw... this is something wrong with you, this is something you need to fix. That might be the key to what makes you truly great.

Nathan
Yeah, totally. One thing I haven't told you're listeners, I guess, is that the other side of my working life is, I'm a coach. I work with Somatics, I work with coaching, together that's somatic coaching or body-oriented coaching. And so, when I first began coaching, I had this little slogan that said, "You're all right." As in not alright a-l-r-i-g-h-t but all right, like, a-l-l right. And there's something I think in that, that, that's actually implicit in a lot of somatic work. Which says, everything that we are, everything that we do, has an inherent intelligence. For example, some coaches will often ask the question, "How do I work with resistance in my clients? How do I work with resistance?" And it becomes oppositional, you know? It's, it's the coach versus resistance, or coach and client versus their resistance. How do we bust through, you know? And in somatic work something... a theme such as resistance would actually be viewed (in some schools of Somatics) as an intelligent adaptation. At some point in that person's life that particular behavior, that way of being... it served them. It kept them safe, maybe even kept them alive, you know? So how might we welcome and approach each of these emerging ways of being, or whatever, with the kind of respect and acknowledgement and appreciation that personally I think it deserves? But the school of semantics would kind of perceive it that way so you're all right. None of you is wrong, you know.

Jenni
Yeah. Again such an important message especially for younger people, I think. To know that everything is there for a reason. And if we treat it as something that may be teaching us a lesson or protecting us from something, instead of trying to purge it/get it ou/fix it... Yeah.

Nathan
Yeah. Carl Rogers said something along the lines of, "The ironic thing is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." So I guess it's in line with that thinking as well.

Jenni
So, how are our bodies connected with our intelligence?

Nathan
That's a BIG question.

Jenni
You can do it! I believe in you! [both laugh]

Nathan
A practitioner called Lisa Feldman Barrett recently wrote an article that says your brain is not thinking... quite controversially. But it describes how the brain... its sort of main function is to kind of run the balances on our energy use in the body. So that's kind of an idea of the brain being there to manage the balance and homeostasis, within the system. There's plenty of other ways. So like for example, in the psychology of embodied cognition, there's lots of talk about the way that information loops within the body. The way that sometimes that we respond to situations quite often actually from an embodied place... so the body responds before we consciously are aware of what we're doing.
You could look at it from the perspective as well of Deb Dana, one of the thinkers of the (becoming more widely) known polyvagal theory, she says the term, you know, story follows state. And so from that perspective, you could argue that everything that we do emerges out of the autonomic state that we're currently in. Are we in our "safe and social... everything's cool, I'm okay, all good here" space? Or are we in fight or flight, or freeze? I'm using the terms that are more familiar... but the sympathetic activation dorsal vagal, the kind of technical terms... that these, these will influence our thinking, our actions, our behavior. In other ways, you know, the mirror neurons or the resonance circuitry is how it's described by Daniel Siegel, who's the person who created or kind of founded Interpersonal Neurobiology. Talks about how things like mirror neurons and other parts of the brain and the biology are kind of our basis for empathy. So things like emotional intelligence, which are known to be better predictors of business success, things like that.

Jenni
Explain, just real quickly a brief overview of mirror neurons for people.

Nathan
Yeah, totally. So, there's a bit of controversy around mirror neurons. But nonetheless the kind of current thinking around it is that... just in a nutshell, if we perceive an action or a behavior in another, the same areas of our brain and body actually kind of activate or light up as if we were performing that action ourselves. So, it enables us when we're with others and when we're observing nonverbal communication (which makes up a huge part of our communication with one another), we're able to know: is somebody trustworthy or not? Can we make a guess at their intention? What they're doing or what they're going to do? It's how we begin to develop bonds, but it's also how we learn, you know, it's how infants learn behavior. Through observing witnessing primary caregivers doing those behaviors and actions, and things like that. So that's mirror neurons. Empathy, emotional intelligence.
The last thing I'll talk about in terms of the body's intelligence is this phenomenon called the felt sense, which is what a lot of people would describe as intuition. So it might be that intuitive pulling in the gut, or a kind of feeling of your heart opening in any given instance. And that that can kind of direct and guide us. It's based on a lifetime of experience, and it's a meaningful bodily felt experience. Really when we can listen to that, it can become an incredible guide in our lives and it can become an incredible source of wisdom. And in my mind that's another source of knowing. It's another intelligence beside the intellect.

Jenni
So sort of that "trust your gut" feeling?

Nathan
Yeah you know that phrase "trust your gut" is totally... that's speaking directly to this notion of the felt sense. Which is a term that was coined by someone called Eugene Gendlin Eugene Gendlin was a philosopher, and a therapist. He coined this term to describe this phenomenon that we all have, but some are more... perhaps a bit more practiced, a bit more sensitive, or a bit more connected to it than others. But we can all develop that capacity within ourselves. So in other words, you could say that we all have the potential or the ability to become more in touch with our intuition, or more intuitive, or more embodied. You know, in that sense, it's available to all of us. Or most of us... most of us... taking into consideration neuro-diversity and things like that.

Jenni
When we spoke before you mentioned that we've lost touch with what makes being human magical. Tell me more about that.

Nathan
Yeah! I'm so glad you asked me that, because this is something I guess that I'm passionate about. I read a gorgeous book called Original Wisdom by someone called Robert Wolff, and they were describing the Sng'oi tribe in Malaysia, who are far from modern civilization, technology, etc. These are one of the few remaining untouched tribal communities. The people of this community were the Malay. They have a certain kind of connection with themselves, with each other, with the environment... that when we look at that, we might perceive as supernatural. You know, it's like a way of knowing when somebody's going to arrive at the village without being told that they were on their way. Or in some way of being able to sense, out in the forest, where they might find a source of water. And for some people this might be like, "Oh, this is a bit of a stretch." But Robert Wolff is quite an interesting person... character... because he actually speaks fluent Malay and was able to live with this community, and actually communicate, and learn from them. And so actually really embedded in there, to doing some real kind of empirical study there.

And while we in the western, modern, kind of, you know, in our modern cultures might not be able to fully know, that kind of connection with self, other than environment... I do believe that we can begin to sort of touch it or begin to get closer to it. And that I truly think is available to all of us. I'm not too keen on the phrase, but it is our birthright in the sense that we have all the gear, we have all the kit, all the equipment we need for this. And when we connect with our full sensory potential, it can feel out of this world, but it's as natural as it gets. There's something in the simplicity of it, that just, that gives us the ability to sense and feel, and become aware of what we might otherwise dismiss or miss, etc. And that can be an incredible source of insight, intuition, you know, direction, knowledge etc. So... and that's the experience of my clients who work in this way, or our clients, people who work in this way, like yourself. And those who participate in somatic practices, deepening into that... the roots of our humanity.

Jenni
I remember reading, there was someone who decided to live as if they were in the 1800s for a while, you know, and no technology. And everything just cut back and weeded back. And she was talking about how she almost felt like she developed extra senses, because she had tuned out all of the... the noise so to speak, the digital noise. And even just her long skirts she could kind of use it like cat whiskers, you know, she was just kind of feeling where things were. And she was saying it was really interesting how when you tuned out the modern society that you were so much more tuned into your body and tuned into what was going on in nature around you. So along those lines, talk to me about how modern society teaches us to interact with ourselves.

Nathan
That's another great one. These are great questions, Jenni! Personally... and this is just an opinion. As with anything I say, take what you like and leave the rest. But I personally believe... or I feel... that modern society trains us to escape ourselves more than it trains us to be with ourselves in any meaningful way. And there's nothing inherently wrong with these things. But you could argue that through mass consumerism, through a highly-stimulated environment... people in Silicon Valley being paid the big bucks to literally get us addicted to our phones and software, you know smartphones and software and things like that. It's well known, these days, right? And these experiences... there's a sort of, "If you buy this, you'll feel better," you know? Or, "Why sit there feeling the kind of... the agony of inertia... you've been locked down for months now, you know? Why sit there, feeling that when you could be on Tik Tok?"

Jenni
So you're not on Tik Tok?

Nathan
Like I said there's nothing wrong with it. It's like I occasionally jump on. I think oftentimes when we've been on Tik Tok, for example, for like more than an hour, something in us says, I think we've crossed a certain threshold, here.

Jenni
You go down the rabbit hole. [laughs]

Nathan
Down the rabbit hole... yeah exactly, right? [laughs] Same on YouTube, same on Instagram. But you know, that's an example of disconnection from what our sensing self knows, and will tell us when we listen. "You're tired. You're kind of beginning to fade out here. There's a need that needs to be met, whether that be eating, sleeping..." And when we're not listening, we can bypass or kind of like bulldoze over that, and increasingly, the more we do that, we're beginning to hardwire (or practice let's say) a habit of "impulse arises from the body, and lack of response." And through somatic work we're beginning to develop a meaningful way of being with ourselves. One example of that might be "impulse: hunger... responding and resonance: feed myself." "Impulse: fatigue... rest." And we don't live in a culture that supports that much, either. "Impulse: my back hurts; I'd actually be more comfortable lying on the floor. I'm in a business meeting. It's inappropriate." Right?

Jenni
Yes. And that's something that I truly love about Somatics in general and your school in specific, is you respect the authority of the body. And so this is something that I've adopted in my classes and my coaching. If you need to get up and move around, get up and move around. If you need to go get a drink of water... listen to your body and follow through. Because we're taught to kind of tune that out and neglect that. And you know, "I've got an eight-hour conference and no I can't possibly leave to go to the bathroom!" [laughs] It's not normal. So, a small good that's come out of this last year is society is more accepting of humanity. Your kid just ran on the room... and sitting there in pajama pants and a top... I feel like there's been so much more welcoming of, "you're a human being, and you don't have to be ON all the time."

Nathan
Yeah. Don't have to be on all the time. Yeah. That's so... that feels so appropriate, so many layers. Because on all the time in one sense, is like wearing the mask, you know, the facade. Or like suiting up and showing up. But also our nervous systems in our overstimulated environment are just stuck on "on." We're just overworked, under-rested. And that's not anyone's fault, necessarily, it's just a systemic thing. You know, I'm obsessed with Taoism. Absolutely obsessed. It's problematic.

Jenni
I mean, it's a good addiction to have... [both laugh]

Nathan
I agree. There's a lovely concept called wu wei. It sort of translates to not doing or doing nothing, or it's the whole idea of, you know, also effortless action. But there's something that, that we're becoming more accepting of each other's humanity. And then part of that is that our needs for rest, and when we reach that threshold is a lot lower than a lot of us might believe when we're in this kind of production based industrial kind of world, that's all about creating, making, achieving. There's a new kind of narrative, I think, emerging which is like... sleep. [laughs] And take care of yourself, listen to your body and slow down. Then that's just lovely see because actually the irony, a lot of the time is that we can actually accomplish a lot.

There's this passage from the Tao De Ching, written by Lao Tzu, that says nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. It's this kind of idea of going with the natural flow of our cycles, the rhythms, and can we kind of tune into that. It's a, it's a bit of a complicated thing because it's a little bit to our (in modern Western world), the idea of doing nothing doesn't make any sense. But it doesn't mean nothing at all. So a little bit different to that. But it's very aligned with somatic work, which has this trust in this organic, intelligent unfolding of things.

Jenni
Absolutely, that's basically the premise of my Lunai class, we use the moon cycles to kind of cycle through your different energy levels. And it's taking time to work hard and to plan and to have that Yang energy, and that masculine, you know, forward-moving. And then to take time to rest and release and, and sort of that Yin energy where we're just going with the flow. And it's following that cycle because you need the rest time to be productive. If you're constantly in that aggressive energy, you'll burnout. And as somebody who's an overachiever, trying to do all the things, I have to schedule my rest time or, yeah.. I will just go go go. [laughs]

Nathan
Totally yeah... guilty... me too. [both laugh] Totally, you know, card-carrying member of that club. Yeah, you know, and there's this understanding of this human as an integrated system. There's this concept called the default mode network in the brain. And research shows that it's where we kind of do our most creative, innovative thinking and problem solving, you know. Which are qualities that NASA and Google... places like that... really want in spades, you know they want that sort of thing in their employees in abundance, right? That tends to come online in the rest period.

Jenni
Yes! I was just reading a book on this, you know, they're talking about how... that's why, right before you fall asleep, or when you're in the shower not doing anything, that's when you get your most creative ideas. Because your brain is kind of taking a break,

Nathan
Totally right. Yeah, well, that's what the research suggests, anyway.

Jenni
Yeah, well, Nathan our podcast is called Ashes to Wings, referring to the story of the Phoenix transforming and rising from the ashes. I like to ask all of our guests this question: "What does rise above mean in your life?"

Nathan
Weirdly enough... bit of a like a backwards answer to this. But it's like rise above in my life: just allow everything to be just as it is. And for me, that's how I kind of come out of the suffering, or chaos or whatever, you know."

Jenni
Yeah. So I'm almost picturing you in the jet stream, you know, over.... where most airplanes fly? And you get into that jet stream and you just flow so much faster because you're kind of above where you're having to put in all that effort.

Nathan
Yeah!

Jenni
And just flow... flow state.

Nathan
Nice!

Jenni
Love that. So Nathan, I always like to leave our Ashes to Wings listeners with a bumper sticker statement. A summary of what you've just talked about that would fit on a bumper sticker. So what would your bumper sticker be?

Nathan
Hmm. I would say... and I said it a little earlier, but I'll say it again. Discovering our sensory potential feels out of this world, when it's been so long since we've been connected in this way. But it's as natural as it gets.

Jenni
Good! And then I have a few rapid-fire, fun questions for you if you're game for it. If you had to delete all but three apps from your cell phone, which ones would you keep?

Nathan
Sadly, my emails. But it's true. If I hadn't just got a new phone-free meditation, alarm clock thing (it's super cool), I would keep insight timer, and a third one... it's gonna be WhatsApp. But that's just because during this time, it's really kept, particularly my family, especially with my sister living across the other side of the world in Australia connected. And that's quite a miraculous thing so, yeah.

Jenni
Absolutely. Nice. What is what is your superpower,

Nathan
[laughs] Sensitivity!

Jenni
Like a cape and... "Sensitivity Man!" [both laugh] What are your favorite pizza toppings?

Nathan
You know, doesn't matter what happens, I sometimes get creative, but if somebody's ordered just pepperoni and mozzarella based, I get jealous. So I'm gonna say, just a normal pepperoni pizza.

Jenni
So not Hawaiian? Do you guys have Hawaiian pizza in Britain?

Nathan
Ha! No. Let's get serious. [both laugh]

Jenni
There's two camps, I feel like... there's the "it's good" and the "it's an abomination." Yeah.

Nathan
Totally.

Jenni
Yes. What is your guilty pleasure song?

Nathan
Oh, it's so easy. Taylor Swift. Any of them. [both laugh] I'm such a Swifty. It's my guilty pleasure, hardcore.

Jenni
I mean, how can you not?

Nathan
Cat's out of the bag.

Jenni
Yes. What is left on your bucket list?

Nathan
Wow. So I'm going to give you the cheesy one first. Ok?

Jenni
Yeah

Nathan
Grandma, she was an artist, you know. I don't know if she was a professional but she was an artist. And one of the things on my bucket list is to exhibit her artwork, before it's too late.

Jenni
Oh wow.

Nathan
So we wanna.... She's getting on, so we'll be doing that soon, The less cheesy one is I want to be snowboarding every winter, scuba diving every summer.

Jenni
Yes! That sounds amazing. I live in Chicago but I hate the cold so I have not been snowboarding. I haven't been scuba diving either, but I want to.

Nathan
Do it!

Jenni
Sometime in the near future. When we can travel again. What book belongs on everyone's bookshelf? So I picked this one specifically for you because I know your book nerd like me.

Nathan
Oh, how do I choose? How do I choose? I mentioned the Original Wisdom earlier. I'm just... I'm gonna go with that one. Yeah, I'm going to go with that one. Or the Tao Tse Ching. I just snuck that in there, but [laughs] the Tao Tse Ching is a little bit for some people... it might not completely resonate. Original Wisdom is just gorgeous.

Jenni
And who wrote Original Wisdom?

Nathan
Robert Wolf... W-O-L-F-F. I'm looking over here.... [both laughing] That's where my bookshelf is.

Jenni
I have like a list of titles recommended by Nathan that I need to start working my way through. Well, Nathan I know you mentioned you have a special offer for our Ashes to Wings listeners...

Nathan
Yeah well two... two things. So the first is we've got a free introduction to body-oriented coaching, it's online. It's at a good time for most time zones, so that they happen regularly. And I think Jenni, you've got the link for that, so I think you'll be sharing that. You know that's an introduction to... so the events entirely free to attend, and the whole event covers: what is body-oriented coaching, and the field of Somatics broadly speaking, where it came from, why it matters, and what it might look like to work with that in practice. One of the ways that you might do that is a training that we run at The Somatic School which is called the Cccredited Certificate in Body-Oriented Coaching. Now if you were to enroll in that course there's another offer for Ashes to Wings listeners, which is we'll include in their course a bonus, Organic Intelligence for Coaches course. Which if you haven't heard of organic intelligence, check it out. It's pretty cool. And then an ICF mentoring program which is anyone who, who wants to actually become a ICF-credentialed coach, which is some further credibility you can go on and get those ICF mentoring hours. So we'll bundle that in, either one of those two, for your listeners, Jenni.

Jenni
Thank you so much! And you guys can find that deal, along with Nathan's social media links on his guest page on our website. So that's ashestowings.net/nathan-blair. And thank you for those, Nathan, that's amazing. And do they need to be coaches to enroll in these things?

Nathan
I'm glad you asked because I mentioned coaching a few times there. Typically most people who are on the training have some existing practice or career that has a relational dimension to it. That includes quite a few careers. All you really need is a desire to work with people one-to-one typically, or in groups. And work at somatic depth, or work with the body's intelligence, in that context.

Jenni
Perfect. Well, Nathan, thank you so much for joining us today. This was amazing.

Nathan
Yeah, it was my absolute pleasure, and it's an honor. Thank you so much for asking me to come.

Jenni
Absolutely. So just a quick recap of our episode with Nathan Blair today, we talked about Somatics and how science is revealing just how essential our bodies are to our intelligence. And supporting what the wisdom traditions of the East have been teaching for thousands of years. We talked about how we've lost touch with what makes being human magical. And we talked about how modern society teaches us to escape ourselves more than it teaches us how to be with ourselves in a meaningful way, which is just such a powerful statement. These all tie into our values at Ashes to Wings, where we're all about connecting the body, mind, and emotions. And I love the idea that what you've been told is strange, is probably your greatest superpower. Don't forget to check out Nathan's guest page. Again that's ashestowings.net/nathan-blair. Friends, thank you for listening. Don't forget to follow the show, rate and review, and we'll see you next time.

How to Give Better Compliments

4/28/2021

Let's talk about pure compliments. You can pay a compliment (to others or to yourself) without insulting others. We sometimes struggle to say nice things about ourselves. For some, there may be childhood or cultural messaging on pride to overcome. For others, it may be unrealistic expectations set for what the "ideal person" is. Receiving compliments and saying kind things to or about ourselves might seem awkward or even painful. So as we travel this road of growing comfortable with ourselves in a new light, many of us move to humor or comparison... "this not that"... in effort to ease some of the awkwardness. But there are often self-deprecating remarks couched in our compliments to others, or to ourselves.
"You're so smart, I'm terrible at math."
"Can't cook, but I'm a great kisser!"

This can also be directed outwards, comparing your new ideal to an old ideal. The problem is, we're now tearing down others to lift ourselves up. Instead of adding to what creates an "ideal person," we've just changed the definition and insulted a completely different group of people. For example:
"Strong is the new skinny."
"You don't need makeup or hair dye to look pretty."
"Real men work with their hands."
"I don't have to show my body to be sexy."
"Brains not brawn."
"Real Women Have Curves."
And for my pole industry people I'm including the hashtag #notastripper in this.

We don't need to draw a comparison that shames someone else for their body, gifts, lifestyle, or choices. There's just as much power... I'd argue even more... in making a pure compliment. For example:
"My body is beautiful and strong."
"Your hair color is so pretty, and your skin glows!"
"I love working with my hands."
"I feel so sexy in this outfit!"
"You are so smart."
"Loving my curves!"

Because you should be celebrated for the things that make you feel good about yourself, without the limitations of a humblebrag or a dig at yourself or others. And we should be able to compliment others in a way that uplifts without tearing down. So practice this today. Give yourself a pure compliment and give one to someone else. See how different it feels, and know that you're taking steps to making this world a more uplifting place.

How Moms Can Stress Less

4/27/2021

The following is a transcript from my podcast interview with Danielle Zack, one of our senior instructors, our Connections Coordinator, a life coach for moms, and founder of Sexy & Sovereign Mommas.

Moms were already juggling homework, and meals, and careers, and romance, and self-care. Throw in a world-wide shut-down, and moms are more stressed than ever. Guest speaker Danielle Zack shares how she coaches moms to stand in their power, and find true rest.

****************************************************************************************************************

Jenni:
Hey friends, welcome to Ashes to Wings. Today we'll be talking with Daniel Zack, who is a mommy mentor who supports moms to discover the immense power they hold in their hearts; to connect to the sacred embodiment they are living every day... and to honor the divine role they've chosen to serve here on Earth. She is also the founder of the group Sexy and Sovereign Mommas. Danielle, thank you for joining us today.

Danielle:
Thank you for having me today. I'm so excited to be here!

Jenni:
I'm so excited to talk with you! So Danielle, tell me how you got into mommy mentoring.

Danielle:
I love Moms. My passion is for moms, and that is not something that I foresaw that I would feel that my calling and my passion was going to be at. When I was young and growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mom, no question about it. I was obsessed with playing with baby dolls. I had all of the things... the cradles, and the strollers, and all of it. So many Cabbage Patch dolls. And as I was growing up, I was always the good girl. I was so into doing things right, making sure that my grades were good, and I was very family-focused. But as I was finishing up high school, I had all these plans for what I was going to do with my life, and the things that I wanted to do. And while I saw motherhood as being one of those things, I did not see myself working with moms. And it wasn't until I was graduating high school, and I found myself pregnant... I found that I was already jumping into motherhood well before I ever anticipated that I would be.

So my high school sweetheart, who I am married to now, completely swept me off my feet my junior year of high school. Because I was a person that was so focused on everyone else in my home. I was a caretaker for my siblings, always about making sure that the chores were done, the things were done, that everyone had what they needed, because both of my parents worked full-time. My husband was someone who came into my life and who focused on me, and cared about that I had what I needed. And so I was so excited to be moving forward, as we were graduating high school, to accomplish and do the things that I wanted to do. I was looking at becoming a physician's assistant at the time, and making all of these plans, and we were so excited to start the beginnings of our life together... but not anticipating that we’d be starting a family so soon. So my world was rocked when I found out I was pregnant, to say the least. And everything that I had been anticipating and seeing and envisioning for myself was just... pulled out from under me. Like... rug completely pulled out from under me. And I was excited because this man that I love... we're still moving forward with the life that we want. But at the same time, I didn't even know what to expect that life was going to be. I had no idea what to expect. And so unprepared for, you know, motherhood that wasn't just playing with the baby dolls that I played with. But a living, breathing actual human being that I would need to care for.

Jenni:
Yeah, the diapers aren't as fun when they're not a baby doll. [Both laugh]

Danielle:
No, no, not at all. Oh my gosh.

Jenni:
So what was the hardest part about being a teen mom?

Danielle:
The most difficult part of it was, I had no idea what to expect with my life moving forward. I didn't know what things were going to look like. I didn't know if I was capable. It just it felt like a ton of unknowns, and feeling so unsure about whether or not I was going to really be able to be the mom I had always wanted to be.

Jenni:
I feel like there's so much pressure on moms to live up to some standard for what a mom should look like. There's so little support (without judgment) on how to actually be a mom. And I imagine as someone who... you mentioned you were a caretaker for others even before this, that that has to be an important part of finding your way. And the fact that your husband... it appealed to you that he helped take care of you... I imagine self-care played into that too.

Danielle:
Absolutely. Isn't that the biggest thing when we become moms? All of the focus is on doing it right and making sure that we have everything right. And we have this tiny baby and all the focus is on them. That self-care really gets swept and pushed aside, and not having that makes us that much more lost. There's all this uncertainty and “Am I doing it right? Is this going well? What do they want? They're crying again... I don't know what they need.” And then on top of it, either just feeling so busy and overwhelmed, or just feeling guilty to choose to take that time for self-care and self-love, that it makes us even more pulled into that jumbled chaotic place that new moms find themselves in.

Jenni:
Absolutely. So what do you wish you had known as a new mom?

Danielle:
That is a great question. It's the question I feel like every new mom is like, “Tell me what do you wish you knew? Tell me... I need all of the golden nuggets!” I wish that I knew that the more that I loved myself, and gave myself grace, and was just present with my baby and present with myself... that the more joy, I would feel. The more at peace I would be and the more at peace that my daughter would have been too. Because then she wouldn't have been feeling my anxiousness and [my] wanting to be the perfect mom.

Jenni:
Yeah, I think they do pick up on that. I remember when my oldest daughter was tiny, she had colic. And I was so anxious because I couldn't get her to stop crying. And your whole body tenses up, and the baby picks up on that and cries more. And my mother-in-law said, “Let me try for a minute.” And she just sat down with her, and she was more relaxed because she had less skin in the game. That wasn't her baby to try to calm. And so she was able to relax, and then Sabrina relaxed too. It was this lesson of: they're going to pick up on your energy, and if you can relax and calm down, it helps them to calm down, too. So I love that... feeding into yourself so that you can be more present for them.

Danielle:
How beautiful is that? That's one thing that grandmothers are so great at. Like you said, the less skin in the game or anyone that has less skin in the game... that objective view and presence in the situation. I feel like we as moms, when we are open to seeing that... and then allowing help too, right? Because sometimes it's this feeling of, “we have to do it right.” So we want to be in control or sometimes just a feeling of, “it's wrong to ask for help.” Right? Because moms, we feel like we can't do it right, no matter what we do. And so there’s this feeling of, “are we going to be judged for asking for help?” But when we do get the help, and we get to see how someone steps into that space, especially if they do hold our baby and calm them down, there's so much for us to get to see and learn in those moments. So what a beautiful moment. Wow, that's so cool.

Jenni:
So along those lines, especially when you're a young mom, I feel like we learn from others around us even more than books. Who was most influential in helping mold you as a mom?

Danielle:
Great question. I love this. So, for me, my mom. My mom. Absolutely. I think what I love so much about you sharing that story about your mother-in-law is that, that's my mom as well. And after my babies were born, she would hold, and she would just sit and rock them. Which is what she did with me, and both of my siblings as well. She just wouldn’t want to let them go, like... let them sleep, let them relax on her. The amount of presence and love that she always holds. Even now I see her with my niece and my nephews, I have a little nephew and an itty bitty nephew who was just born a few months ago. And even seeing the way that she is with them... it is exactly, exactly the mom that I want to be. Just an embodiment of love and presence. Which is my favorite thing when I feel that I'm in the flow as a mom... meeting a child where they're at. No matter where they're at, just meeting them where they're at, seeing them for who they are, and being there with them.

Jenni:
That sounds very present and mindful.

Danielle:
Yes, and they can tell. They know. They know when we're present and mindful.

Jenni:
Oh yeah. And they're really good at demanding your focus, if you're not. [Both laugh]

Danielle:
Yeah, they’re good reminders to pull us back into the moment.

Jenni:
Yes, yes. There's so much pressure on moms to do all the things. What advice would you give to moms who feel like they're not living up to that message?

Danielle:
Well the first thing that pops into my head is that you might be trying to do too many things. And especially too many things at once. It's something that I have really spent a lot of time, and I continue to spend time working on this. I don't like to say “balance,” I like “harmony.” Where we feel that in order to do one thing we have to sacrifice another thing. And [harmony is] the idea that we get to have both and... it doesn't have to be this or that. It's not a dualistic thing at all. It's both and. And it's a matter of seeing how things flow with us and for us. If I could share, this is a huge breakthrough for me in the past couple of months...?

Jenni:
Yeah!

Danielle:
Thank you! Huge breakthrough for me. A few months ago, I realized that I was compartmentalizing all the different areas of my life. We look at the different roles in our lives, as a businesswoman, as a mom, as a daughter, as a friend, as a wife. All these different areas that we have this underlying subconscious notion that we need to show up as a certain something. In each of these areas we need to besomething, we need to do. It's almost a way of feeling that we need to prove ourselves because that's how we measure whether we're being successful or not. So we can feel like, “If I don't show up, and I don't do all these things for work, then I'm failing there. But then also if I don't show up and do all these things for my kids, I'm failing there. And then my friend keeps calling me, and I feel like I'm failing there.” So we feel pulled apart, really pulled apart. And then we realize that we get to be the same person when we show up in all of these places, and that when we show up somewhere, it doesn't mean that we're taking from another area of our life. So if I show up fully present as a mom that doesn't mean I'm not being a great friend, or a great wife. We get to be one cohesive, harmonic, sole, individual person. And we get to show up as this completely whole version of ourselves all the time and every moment.

Jenni:
It's such a beautiful image versus... I tend to think of it as wearing different hats. I have my boss hat on, I have my mom hat on, I have my coach hat on. It's such a beautiful idea that we're fully present and fully authentic in all of those roles, and they work together in synergy. I love that visual.

Danielle:
Synergy! Yes that’s a perfect word.

Jenni:
Yes! Are there any tips that you have for making mom life easier?

Danielle:
YES!!! [Both laugh].

Jenni:
We always like our practical tips.

Danielle:
It’s always like,“What can I do? Tell me, what can I do?!” My practical tip is to be curious, which might seem really off the wall. “What in the world is that?!” And when we are curious, we are open. We're playful, and we're allowing for flow, we're allowing for movement when we're curious. So even when something is coming up, and we're just like, “Oh my gosh!” and we go right into restrictive mode. Sometimes it's okay to be like, “So what does this mean? Why is this coming up? What does this mean?” or we're curious about it. “Okay, so this is here... so what do I get to do now?” Or the biggest thing (and because I have teenage girls) being curious with my children, especially when I feel like I don't understand what's going on. Instead of being in my own frustrated space of “What is going on?” or “What do you mean?” or “Why do you think that?” Actually being honestly curious and open to, “Okay, so how are you feeling? So, what do you mean by that?” like “What is actually happening?” And just being in that curiosity, we're always present. So that seems to be the theme of this conversation, which I absolutely love. Curiosity brings us back to the present moment, and it allows us to move. It allows us to be open versus being constricted. So that would be my biggest piece of advice, is to remain curious.

Jenni:
I feel like it goes into that flow state, and kind of that “relaxing into the flow.” And things are going to go a little bit easier than if you're forcing everything and you're frustrated. I know one of the things that I work with in Somatics is sort of the visceral response in the body when you hear “no, but” versus “yes, and.” And anybody who's done improv has done the “yes and” game. But it speaks to that openness and curiosity for, “Let's work together on something.” And being open to, “It may not look exactly how I thought it was gonna look.” And anybody who's raising kids knows that feeling. When you bring this tiny baby home you have all these plans and then they grow into their own person and sometimes you're going, “How did you come from me, because I don’t see any connections.” and other times you're like, “Okay, yeah, that's me. That's mini me right there. Do I sound like that?” I love that approach... just that openness to and curiosity for who your children are as individuals... as people. Why they believe that the way that they do, why they think the way that they do. And I think that's something, too, that not all of us had growing up. It was a different generation, you know, but it was more like, “This is how our family believes. Here’s this.” There was less room for, “What do youbelieve?” or “How do you think? How do you see this?” So I love that you take that tack, of wanting to see where your daughters are coming from.

Danielle:
Yes, and we learn so much when we do. Whether we’re asking a three year old... being curious about what is happening with them, or a 17 year old, like I have. We learn so much. That's where the unexpected comes from too, and some really beautiful, fantastic things.
Jenni: Absolutely. Children especially have so much wisdom, and it's at such a basic level, but there are so many times that a child will say something and you're like, “Oh. It's so simple!” But it hits at your core. I feel like kids have way more insight than we sometimes give them credit for.

Danielle:
Absolutely. I 100% agree.

Jenni:
So I work in Somatics which is connecting the body and the emotions. How did truly feeling your feelings in the moment impact you?

Danielle:
Mmm. Yes, I feel like this is such a theme of our conversation today: feeling your feelings in the moment, being so present. And when we open ourselves up to feeling our feelings in the moment, especially without judgment, we are really giving ourselves permission to move with grace and flow. Versus being restricted with expectation, which is really the opposite of curiosity. Right? Either we're open and curious or we have expectations of how this is going to turn out. And so that's where the restriction comes from.”

Jenni:
I want to pause there because that's a mic drop moment. “Curiosity is the opposite of expectation.” I just wanted to call that out for a second because that was... that was beautiful. I love that.

Danielle:
Yeah, I do too.

Jenni:
I need that on a t-shirt.

Danielle:
Well maybe I can do that... I'll see if I can work that out. [Both laugh]. Curiosity is the opposite of expectation. You can feel it... talking about somatics... you feel it in the body. Because when we have expectations, that's when viscerally we tighten up and we're like, “This isn't how it's supposed to be.” And “I don't want it to be this way... I don't want to feel this way.” We're restrictive and constricted versus that curiosity. And there's no judgment in that [curiosity]. And it's open, and even if it's one tiny step at a time we get to start moving through it.

Jenni:
I would think having a baby so young, it would kind of knock you off your course a little bit. Does that ring true?

Danielle:
Oh my gosh, it knocked me into a completely different course, completely different course. Yes. But honestly, it's the unforeseen, knock-you-off-your-course moments in life that really lead us directly into our greatest joy and our greatest purpose in life.

Jenni:
Wow, that's so true. It's so true. And again, the curiosity and expectation. It's the unexpected moments... those are the ones that really stand out and change our lives forever.

Danielle:
They do. And for me, that was becoming a mom, and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing now and working with moms. If it wasn't for that completely being yanked, knocked off my course, and put into a completely different one... I don't think I would have fully connected with my purpose, the way that I have.

Jenni:
I love how we have all these plans and goals and think our life is gonna go one way. And then all of a sudden the calling drops in. And you're like, “Oh, this is where I'm going. It's completely different, and not at all what I expected.” But I feel like (and maybe this resonates with you, too) all of the things that we go through in life, all the things that we experience, are setting us up for our calling... for how we can help other humans through life.

Danielle:
Yeah. Oh my gosh, yes, that is like the mantra of my life. [Both laugh] All of these things arehappening, everything has happened, everything that's going to continue to happen... to bring me to where I need to be... to give me all the experiences that I need to have to give out and serve. I believe that is so true for each of us. It is the beauty of being human. And the fact that we get to experience... to be fully present and in service to each other.

Jenni:
Yes! Well, talk to me more about your high school sweetheart. Because I know a large part of being a sexy and sovereign momma is your relationship with your partner, if you have a partner. So talk to me about your relationship.

Danielle:
Yeah! Alright. So my high school sweetheart and I have been together for 19 years, and of those 19 years we've been parents for 17 of them. And what is so beautiful about our journey is that we were thrust into parenthood. And then also learning what it meant to be husband and wife and have a relationship, and figure out who we are and become an adult all at once. So it's like we were just thrown in. And it was like, “Okay now we get to do all of the things.” That's such a vulnerable place to be in. It allowed us to be really curious. And not realizing that we were, but just to say, “okay there's so much that we don't know.” So instead of feeling like we shouldknow these things. Whenever anything happens in our life, if we feel like we don't know what to do, or we don't feel capable but we should, we have all this resistance to it versus we were like, “Okay well this is where we're at, and this is what we're doing, so we're just gonna do it. We're just gonna figure it out.” And so all three of us, me and my husband Eric, and my oldest daughter Ava, started this journey together where we were all growing together. And what that allowed for us is to form a really deep bond, and also have so much grace with each other. Versus sometimes it's like, “Well you're not showing up this way” and “This isn't how I want it.” Instead it was a very much a, “We're doing this collectively as a unit, and we're going to work together, and figure all of these things out together.”

Jenni:
I'd love to hear more about your Sexy and Sovereign Mommas, because you're a coach through this. What does it mean to be a Sexy and Sovereign Momma?

Danielle:
Yes. So short answer, it means to be fully embodied and in love with yourself.
So the sexy part is pretty obvious there, right? But that's not just on a physical level. That is on such a deep, internal level as well. And that's where the sovereignty comes in, too. Which is that we are whole, free, powerful beings who innately have everything that we need to live this life, and to live it to its fullest, as our best selves. And so, connecting with our sexy in our sovereignty is being inthis... being human. Loving ourselves for the things that we feel are fantastic, and the other places that we are still growing. And trusting ourselves... which trust as a woman and as a mom is sometimes (at least for me, on my journey) that's one of the biggest hurdles, is to really trust ourselves.

Jenni:
Absolutely. I think it's something that, as moms, we grow into: trusting our judgment, trusting our decisions and our choices, and how we're parenting. I love everything about that. I love that the answers come from within. Which, as coaches, we know that when we're working with people, their answers come from within and we just help them discover them. And I love loving your body, and that the sexy isn't just about the physical. It’s everything about you and the way that you carry yourself. Love that.

Danielle: Me too! Me too!

Jenni:
Me too! So Danielle, our podcast is called Ashes to Wings, referring to the story of the Phoenix, transforming and rising from the ashes. I like to ask all of our guests this question: What does rise above mean in your life?

Danielle:
Mmm. Phoenix. So rising above means, in my life, always being willing and always looking for the beauty that comes from every single moment, no matter what that moment brings.

Jenni: Danielle I always like to leave our listeners with a bumper sticker statement. So a summary of what you've just said that would fit on a bumper sticker.

Danielle:
To sum up all of the goodness we talked about (and I hope someone does put this on their bumper sticker)... [Both laugh]
Our freedom is equal to the level of grace that we give ourselves in every moment.

Jenni:
Mmm. That's so good. That's so good. “Our freedom is equal to the level of grace we give ourselves in every moment.” I almost want to just let that one sit. That's beautiful.
I have a few rapid-fire fun questions for you if you're game... a little get to know you.

Danielle:
Okay!

Jenni:
What is your favorite word?

Danielle:
Wow. Sovereignty.

Jenni:
Ooh yes, and so good because it ties into your coaching title. Who would play you in a movie?

Danielle:
Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm told I look a lot like her.

Jenni:
I can see that for sure. Yes, and sort of that beautiful, Zen aura. I love that. What is your superpower?

Danielle:
My superpower is understanding other people... connecting and understanding.

Jenni:
Love that. What book belongs on everyone's bookshelf?

Danielle:
Hmm. That is... ugh. Okay...

Jenni:
It’s tough to choose just one, right?

Danielle:
I know!

Jenni:
I’m such a book addict.

Danielle:
I'm like looking around because... I love books. I am currently reading a book that is fantastic called “White Hot Truth” by Danielle Laporte, and I absolutely love it. And so I'm going to say that one because I'm just in love with it at the moment.

Jenni:
What are your favorite pizza toppings?

Danielle:
Veggies... so peppers and onions, and not olives. But peppers, onions, tomatoes...

Jenni:
I can’t do olives pizza either.

Danielle:
I’m glad it’s not just me. [both laugh]

Jenni:
Awesome. And then my favorite: What is your guilty pleasure song? Like you're riding in the car, volume up, singing at the top of your lungs...

Danielle:
So the first thing that popped in my head is when my girls and I go to the beach, because in the summer we go to Lake Michigan all the time. And so we always open the sunroof and the windows, and we put on Starships by Nicki Minaj. Because she says “Let's go to the beach, beach, let's go to the waves.” So, yes. [Both laugh]

Jenni:
Great visual! I love that so much. Yes. Summer.... summer is almost here! Well Danielle, I know you have a great Facebook community our listeners can join. Tell us about that.

Danielle:
Absolutely. So on Facebook, we have the Confident Sexy Mom community. And as moms, community is so important. To know that we're in this together. And so the Confident Sexy Mom community is just all about providing that space and that container of support for one another in such a loving, non-judgmental way. Which is something that, as moms, we struggle with that mommy guilt and judgment and all of that. And in there, it's us supporting each other, as well as content that's supporting us day-to-day. And I hop in there with lives. So we would love for you to join us in there... all of the the sexy and sovereign moms in there. Come join us.

Jenni:
I feel like it's such a rare thing nowadays to find a women's group that is that non-judgmental, safe container. I know at my studio, I fight so hard to protect that energy, because there are so few places that we get that, as women. So I love that you have a space like this for women to feel like they can get advice and not have that layer of judgment there.
And you can find the link for that group along with Danielle's social media links on her guest page on our website. That's at AshesToWings.net/Danielle-Zack. So make sure you give her a follow on all of her social media. Danielle, thank you so much for joining us today. This was so wonderful!

Danielle:
Thank you for having me! This was fantastic... I loved this conversation so much. Thank you.

Jenni:
Thank you. So just to recap our episode and some of the amazing takeaway points that Danielle had for us today:
1. The unforeseen, knock-you-off-your-course moments in life are usually the moments that are leading us directly into our greatest purpose and our greatest joy. Most of us get hit with these things and blindsided. And if you can sit in that moment, and recognize that it's probably going to take you to something even greater... I think that brings you peace and gets you into that flow state.
2. Then she also talked about how when we open ourselves up to feel our feelings in each moment, without judgment, we give ourselves permission to flow with grace versus restricting ourselves with expectation. And we talked about how curiosity is the opposite of expectation, and how we need to be open and curious... again so we can move into that flow state, and just feel like things are moving, and we don't have to force everything.
3. And then her bumper sticker statement was “Our freedom is equal to the level of grace we give ourselves in every moment.”

So moms I hope you enjoyed this episode. It was so powerful and it fits so nicely with our values at Ashes to Wings... that we can all use more spaces with less judgment and more grace, and that if we can be open and curious, we're going to be in such a better place in our lives. Don't forget to check out Danielle's guest page, again that's AshesToWings.net/Danielle-Zack. Friends, thank you for listening. Don't forget to follow the show, rate, and review, and we'll see you next time!

Mindful Mondays: 3-Part Breath

4/26/2021

Need a mood lifter? Exhaling from the diaphragm helps relieve emotional stress. This 3-part method helps you focus your breath in your diaphragm, your lower ribs, and you’re upper chest.

1. Lie on your back comfortably. Place your hands palms down on your belly, with fingertips barely touching over your navel.

2. As you inhale through your nose, lift your belly into your hands, pushing your belly against them. See if you can move your fingers move away from each other so they no longer touch. Exhale, letting your belly sink back down, and your fingers touch again. Repeat this two more times.

3. Move your hands to the outsides of your lower ribs. Inhale through your nose, pressing your belly up, as you did before. Then move the focus to your ribs, pulling more air into the middle of your torso and pressing your rib cage against your hands. Exhale, first letting your ribs move back to neutral and then your belly. Repeat this two more times.

4. Move your hands to your upper chest. Start by inhaling through the nose, pressing your belly up, and then expanding through your ribs. Now focus on your upper chest, bringing even more air in to let it rise against your hands. Exhale, feeling your chest fall, then your ribs, then your belly.

5. Continue this 3-part breath, but feel free to move your hands around to the different locations as you breathe. Repeat at least 10 more times.

Love Pats & Fuzzy Sweaters

4/21/2021

Today we're going to talk about sensuality. A lot of people confuse sensuality with sexuality, but sensuality is all about tapping into the senses. So your sight, your hearing, your smell, your taste, your touch.

When you're in an anxiety situation or in a trauma situation, you tend to feel numb or like you're floating. What you may not realize is, this is a self defense mechanism. When your brain catalogues something as a deeply negative experience, it's programmed to shut down your senses to help protect you from remembering too many traumatic details. This is why abuse survivors often don't remember details, unless they're brought to light in therapy. The memories are locked away in a vault in the brain. And while this is a fantastic design for protecting you from traumatic situations, once the brain goes into this mode, it doesn't know how to filter the good senses from the bad.

So when you're living in a state of constant stress, as many of us are, it's really easy to lose all of those good sensations you actually enjoy. When you tap into the senses you're grounding into your body, which helps you feel calmer. So find ways to delight your senses. Maybe cook a new food so you're tasting new things and smelling new things. Maybe take a nice warm bubble bath with oils that smell delicious. Or wear a nice fuzzy sweater that feels good against your skin.

Another way we can help our body focus on our sense of touch is with what I call love pats. This is an exercise I have my coaching clients do when they feel numb and out of touch with their bodies. As humans, we crave physical contact. Touch is very important to our nervous system and can help regulate us when we're feeling imbalanced. Think of the calming effect a hug from a loved one can bring.

With cupped hands and fingers together, gently and lovingly pat your body. Start out at your feet, and move up your legs to your hips. Then come out to your hands, and work up your arms to your shoulders. Then start at the top of your head and pat down your body. You can also try stroking your skin in a soothing way, or whatever feels nourishing in the moment. I recommend finishing by wrapping your arms around yourself in a hug.

Now I know this may sound like a strange activity, and it's not something I recommend doing in public... haha! But you may find yourself surprised at the comfort it brings. Especially in this last year where we've had much less physical contact than we're used to, loving touch can be very healing. So spend time sending love to your body. Find ways to delight your senses. These will help you feel calmer and more pampered. Let me know how it goes, and what these activities unlocked for you. I hope you have a great week.

Mindful Mondays: New Life Reflection

4/19/2021

Spring is here! And with it comes a multitude of opportunities to be mindful.

The smell of fresh grass 🌾
The pastels of blooming flowers 💐
The buzz of bees in the air 🐝
The warmth of sun on your skin 🌞

Spend a few moments today truly being present and enjoying the sensations of spring. See if there’s anything new you can notice.

What about spring represents new life to you? Drop your answer below! 👇🏻

Mindful Mondays: National Pet Day

4/12/2021

Yesterday was National Pet Day. Studies show petting an animal lowers both your blood pressure and theirs! For today’s activity, spend some quality time with your pet. Be present in the moment, and notice all the little details - the colors of their fur, the texture of their paws, the way they sigh when they relax. If you have a pet that can/will snuggle with you, see if you can match your breath to theirs.

Mindful Mondays: World Health Day

4/5/2021

World Health Day is this Wednesday. We’d love to hear your favorite tip for supporting your health. Drop it below! 👇🏻

Mindful Mondays: Pleasure to See You!

3/29/2021

Many of us spend day in and day out in the same spaces. You may have one space for work, and one for relaxation. Or the two may bleed together if you work from home.

Our surroundings can affect our moods! From paint color, to lighting, to texture, the items we surround ourselves with can make or break our experience each day.

So take a look around your space with fresh eyes. If you’re aiming for mindfulness, don’t change anything in the moment... just notice. You can always change things later as an act of self-care.

Start with 5 things that DON’T bring you pleasure when you look at them. Maybe it’s a reminder of a task you haven’t completed, or lighting or a paint color you don’t care for. Notice how each of those things feels in your body and your emotions. Shake it off and reset.

Now notice 5 things that DO bring you pleasure. Maybe it’s a photo of a loved one, or a soft blanket, or the music that’s playing. Really sit with each of those things, and notice how those feel in your body and your emotions. What does this tell you about what things you’d like to to see more of in your space?